Things As They Were (10)

I thought I'd be super home sick the whole time, but I really am not. I have fun and laugh and love this beautiful country that I am in and the friends who surround me in it. But it's still hard sometimes, and sometimes I really do feel homesick, and I guess today is just one of those days. I think maybe sharing my thoughts here is a good place to do it, because I can't share them completely anywhere else; everyone has their own problems and so they can only listen to you gurn for so long before it's just noise.

So I have come to a few realisations, some are true, others I know are just because I'm emotional and a girl...but they still matter to me!

Firstly: things will never be as they were. Never. I feared leaving home because I didn't want to leave my piano, room, bath, tv, family, guinea pig, ocean, neighbourhood, friends...everything. I was so comfortable and happy. But Dad told me that it would all be there waiting for me at Christmas, that I could come back and would come back and it'd be the same. But it's not going to be the same, and I think that has hurt the most. I was so comfortable. Just everything was perfect: my relationships were simple and beautiful, my friendships were close and fun, my family was right beside me, I knew everyone would always be there for me. I knew what I did every Saturday, what my routine was every morning. I knew I'd have Mom at home to make me dinner and look after me. I knew Jessie would jump into my room and sing Frozen until I finally kicked her out. They were all givens, sureties. Then it hit me. I may go home for Christmas, but I'll be a guest, living out of a suitcase for a week and a half. From here on out my life becomes an adult life, a life of responsibility and progression. No more comfort, it's all about jumping out of my comfort zone now. And that's terrifying. I would love to just go back to where I could cry and Dad would come tuck me in and tell me it'll be fine. I have to hold the tears in instead, or just cry a bit then move on. Because I'm at college and no one will ever listen for as long and care as much as my parents.

Secondly: I thought I had my life planned out but I really have no clue. I thought I was going to go on a mission for sure, and recently I just haven't had the same conviction. I'm not pushed against it but I'm not pushed to it in the same way, which is a little surprising for me. I guess I'll have to go with the flow. After 7 years of French I thought I'd stick with it until the end, but now I'm really not sure. I think I want to do Elementary Education still...but I just want to KNOW. I'm tired of thinking and guessing. I just want to know...everything...about everything.

Thirdly: I can't do it on my own, I'm ridiculously week. So basically I have realised that I really do feel better when I can talk to those who love me, even if it's one sided like writing a letter. Today I skyped Rachael Parker for at least 1.5 hours. It was so needed. We spoke about everything and it was just so amazing to have that friendship still there when we are so far apart. My roommates are crazy busy all the time but when they do get a free moment and they aren't quoting Harry Potter of Taylor Swift, they take the time to talk it out with me. Nancy hugged me tonight for ages while we were waiting for our french toast...don't judge that we were eating french toast at 11pm...it's college, that's what you do okay! I guess through everything I just realised that I'm not the warrior I thought I was; I can't survive alone. But the biggest revelation was when I realised that I need my Saviour. You'd think I'd have learned that by now but APPARENTLY NOT. I noticed I was just not myself and tried to see what my deal was. I realised I'd stopped my daily scripture study, which really broke my heart. After 4 years of daily study I'd lost it in the one place that was designed to keep me strong. So I explained this to a few people and in the end I made a pact with Brandon to read my scriptures every night and then we would exchange something we learned. It was worth it. It's been worth it so far. I feel better with the Saviour back in abundance in my life.

If you're still reading by this point, you're a trooper. Thanks for caring! I sometimes just want things to go back to the way they were. I was so peaceful and happy. But I know that although I'm tried and tested, it's for a reason. It's not unbearable, I can do it. I just need to rely on those people who love me. And I need to grow up. I wish I didn't have tear ducts, because I swear they are so annoying, plus mine are particularly functional.

Dad, I miss you! I just want you to tuck me in and sing Kumbaya to me. Thank you for your (almost) daily emails that make me so happy and put a smile on my face. Thanks for supporting me in more ways than financially while I'm here. I love you.

Mom, you are the one I'm closest with back home because you talk to me every day, even if it's just a message. It means the world to me to hear all of the little things. I love every message I get from you. Thanks for those emails where you give me incredible advice. It's really frustrating that I've only just realised what an amazing friend you've been to me all these years. I miss feeling beautiful on a Sunday because I don't have you telling me I am. I hate making decisions on my own. I miss having a constant companion who lived only for me and did everything for me. I took you for granted but I will live the rest of my life thankful or you. I love you.

Jess Bess, I love you so much. I feel like I'm missing out on your life more than anyone else's. I miss every single tiny thing that we used to do together. Half of me is still back in N. I because there is no one here to finish my movie quotes and other random things. I miss hearing you play the piano. I love it when you message me. You're amazing. You're so important and you are truly beautiful.

To anyone who isn't my immediate family that actually managed to find the patience to read this far, thank you. Each of you has fit into my life in a precise way, and you made me into the person that I am today.

I know I'm a soppy mess right now, but it's my blog and so suck it up and enjoy it. I just want to be real on this, and every day isn't a perfect little rainbow of happiness and adventure. Some days like today are days when I live on 3 hours sleep, eating hardly anything and just waiting for something to cheer me up.

But hey. It's my fault when I'm sad. I have so much to be thankful for, how can I be sad. So here's the quote I'm living by...for today at least...then I'm sure pinterest will spit some new beautiful quote out at me:

Cry a river.
Build a bridge.
Get over it.